Badaude

Five-Minute Academy - How to Work in a Cafe

Very sadly my last Five Minute Academy for Metro: it's been fun...

As freelance work becomes more common and technology means your boss can get at you wherever you are, your leisure time is now your work time. You may as well get a latte with that.

 

Fig 1: get there early to get a table. NB avoid the breakfast rush.

Fig 2: Learn art of cafe-table Feng Shui. Distribute your belongings in a way that maximises your wellbeing and discourages sharers.

Fig 3: If the cafe gets full, shut out potential table sharers with one of these strategies.

Fig 4: If you see a friend, you are allowed to make room. If you have your laptop open, chatting counts as 'work'.

Fig 5: Learn to leave a 5% residue in the bottom of your cup. That way your table won't be cleared and you won't have to order another coffee.

Fig 6: Work out your £ per hour ratio. Congratulations. You have paid £1.70 for an espresso. You have gained free heat, light, electricity and wifi for three hours. You are a cafe pro. Award yourself a donut.

 

Five-Minute Academy - How to Host a Midweek Dinner Party

“Does anyone have dinner parties nowadays?” That’s what you used to say before the recession when you could afford to eat out. Now that double-dip translates into home-made hummus and tzatziki, how best to spice it up?

 

Fig 1: Who to invite? Anyone. Your recession-hit guests will be delighted to attend.

Fig 2: Seating: you could agonize over who gets on for hours. Don't bother. If your dinner isn't fun, at least it will be memorable.

Fig 3: The point of a dinner party is to make the maximum impression with the smallest effort and expense. Start with posh olives and a nice drink: move on to...

Fig 4: Stew and plonk. Starters and dessert must be impressive. But no one notices the main course and...

Fig 5: nobody makes dessert. Buy something from a supermarket. But don’t forget to ‘destroy’ it a bit for that ‘home made’ effect.

Fig 6: Getting rid of your guests. Remember Tuesday's a school night. If you can't think how to break up the party, try this strategy.

 

Five-Minute Academy - How to Toss a Pancake

Shrove Tuesday used to be the last feast before the fast of Lent. Now it's just an excuse to eat breakfast food all day.

Fig 1: First decided what kind of pancake you want to make. There are two kinds: puffy and flat. Puffy require self-raising flour whereas flat demand plain flour. Flat pancakes are traditional on Shrove Tuesday, but I'm not going to dictate. Nb if your puffy pancake mix fails, it won't work for flat pancakes either so don't even think about it.

Fig 2: put all ingredients in a bowl, mixer, whatever and beat. Persevere until the mix is smooth. This may take some time. Or increasing levels of electrical intervention.

Fig 3: Choose your pan*. Put a small lump of butter into it and heat until the butter begins to froth. If the butter turns black tip the whole thing out and return to the beginning of Fig 3.

Fig 4: Once your pan is at the correct heat, pour the pancake mixture into the pan. Swirl it round until the mix covers the pan's surface. Now (this is the tricky bit) pour the off the mixture back into the jug or whatever. Do not angle too sharply or the goo that has set will peel off the pan and come with it. If this happens return to Fig 3 again. You will probably have to do this several times.

Fig 5: your pancake is beginning to cook. Sadly you can't see the cooked side. If the edges of the pancake are brown, you can probably loosen it and toss. If it sticks it's not cooked enough: leave it for a couple more minutes. If it still sticks it's probably burnt: scrape it into the bin and return to fig 3. Again.

Fig 6: Stand with knees bent. Move body – not just arms – up sharply. Stop suddenly. The pancake should keep moving in line with your swing but should not fly so high it ends up on the floor. If it does, however, return to fig 3. Repeat as necessary...

* discover that 'non-stick' is a misnomer

Five-Minute Academy - How to Kiss

 

It was Valentine’s day, or didn’t you notice? If you didn’t, you’ll probably need this guide (A little late, perhaps, but it was published in Metro yesterday and I'm not allowed to post it here 'til the next day)

 

Fig 1: Pick your target. Check for height compatibility. If your target is significantly taller or shorter than you, it may help to carry either of these two accessories (a or b).

 

Fig 2: Estimate lip size: thin lips will be more difficult to land on, and a greater degree of accuracy will be required. Or botox.

 

Fig 3: A 2003 study estimated that 2/3 of people turn their heads to the right when kissing. Check your direction and be ready to move quickly if it does not correspond with that of your target. Calibrate nose shape and size. If this is going to be a significant problem, consider surgery.

 

Fig 4: Practice lunge movement - fencing classes can be helpful here - until you can do it with your eyes closed (nb: it is impossible to kiss someone with your eyes open which probably something to do with Fig 3).

 

Fig 5: Choose the moment for your first kiss carefully. Not during or the final of Strictly Come Dancing or an important meeting. Also consider your environment. Yes to the Trevi Fountain; no to M&S knitwear department.

 

Fig 6: Last-minute preparation. Exfoliate lips by rubbing with a dry toothbrush; apply lip balm; go!

 

Five-Minute Academy - How to Cure A Hangover

If you are reading this, you probably have one.

(look at that guy in the next seat reading over your shoulder: he knows you have hangover. Either that, or he has one too).

 

 

Fig 1: Phone. Apply to ear to phone into work sick. You can also text to avoid talking. Then you can switch it off and go back to bed. 

Fig 2: Things that don’t really work.

Fig 2a: Lining your stomach: you should have done that the night before.

Fig 2b: Coffee: will dehydrate you further.

Fig 2c: Hair of the dog: will only delay your hangover. If you’re enjoying it too much, you’re a drunk, not a hangover victim.

Fig 3: Pills: good for a headache but will make queasiness worse.

Fig 4: Things that work. Warning: do not attempt to mix all of these together.

Fig 5: A sudden shock: swimming in the sea is pretty good – though probably not in this weather.

Figs  6a, 6b: The only real cures are time or abstinence. You shouldn’t be going to work. Give up and go home now. 

 

 

Five-Minute Academy - How to File Your Tax Return

How to file your tax return

Today is the last day you can file your 2010-11 tax return without incurring a fine. (Actually as this piece appeared in Metro yesterday, you're actually now TOO LATE.) Oh you didn't know that? No excuse. 

This is what you should have done.

Fig 1: Don't worry about it: you have plenty of time.

Fig 1b: Still plenty of time.

Fig 1c: Still plenty of-

Fig 2: You have less than one week left. Start to panic.

Fig 3: Stop panicking. You’re just wasting time. Get out those carefully filed receipts.

Fig 4: Sort systematically. Start enjoying it. Decide you’re going to get organised for the year. Get distracted by filing your pencils/books/socks.

Fig 5: You’re ready to face the tax website. Attempt to log in. Lose your personal tax number. Lose your password. Realist it takes them a week to send you a new one. Panic again.     Spend a long time on the phone

Fig 6: You’ve finished your tax return. Hit the ‘send’ button with a feeling of smug satisfaction. You’re organised now. It won’t be like that next year. Will it?

 

Five-Minute Academy - How to Take a Coffee Break

A coffee break is enshrined in UK law, which states that employers must provide a minimum 20 minute break for every 6 hours’ consecutive work. If you work at it, you might be able to get a little more...

If taking your break in the afternoon, you may substitute tea.

 

Fig 1: What sort of company do you work for?  If you see any of the items in column A around your workplace, you can safely take a coffee break. If you see items from column B, think carefully before trying.

Fig 2: Does your workplace have a break room? If it does, watch out for the break room etiquette. 

Fig 3: But if you’re going out for coffee, you have a choice: either a) announce it to the office so they won’t think you’ve just sloped off irresponsibly or b) slope off irresponsibly and hope no one will notice. The best technique for this is illustrated.

Fig 4: How long to take? To arrive at a reasonable time period, use this calculation.

Fig 5: Is a coffee break an opportunity for social networking or silent reflection? Read your co-worker’s signs and make a decision.

Fig 6: Caught out by the boss? Don’t feel bad. Research at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm shows long periods of sitting are strongly associated with obesity heart disease, cancer and diabetes.Remember the words of Stanley Green (1915-1993) who paraded Oxford Street for 25 years with a sandwich board encouraging ‘less... sitting’.

 

Five-Minute Academy - How to Remove a Stain

OK I’m only going to deal with stains on fabric here, generally removable fabric like clothes – ‘cause that’s where you drop most of your food, isn’t it? Apparently there are places you can get advice on how to remove stains from concrete. Though you’d have to be really clean to want to bother.

Fig 1: Identify your stain (see Fig 3) Be careful: see, fig 2.

Fig 2: Remember: if you haven't identified the stain correctly, or if you use an improper stain-removing agent or technique, you may make the stain permanent and cause additional damage to the stained object.

Fig 3: The Three types of stains

3a: Greasy Stains: bike oil, peanut butter, vanilla-scented body lotion. Treat by rubbing with washing-up liquid (if it’s chunky peanut butter, don’t forget to scrape the lumps off first) or by using an absorbent substance: cornstarch, that talc you got for Christmas, French chalk, fuller's earth.

3b: Non-greasy stains: These are real stains - pure pigment – fruit juice, ink, coffee, blood. Treat quickly with water. If that doesn’t work, try washing-up liquid, then ‘rubbing alcohol’ (whatever that is).

3c: Combination Stains: combine the worst elements of 3a and 3b: chocolate, thousand island dressing, cherry flavour lip balm. Use the instructions in Figs 3a & b alternately while panicking about Fig 2.

Fig 4: If you’re really desperate you could buy dry cleaning fluid but this stuff can be dangerous and ecologically unsound. If you’re the sort of person who spills ketchup all over yourself in the first place, ask yourself whether you should really be using this.

Fig 5: Remember, time is of the essence: the longer you leave a stain, the more difficult it will be to remove.

Fig 6a: If it is too late, try disguising the stain.

Fig 6b: Alternatively make a feature of it.

Five-Minute Academy - How to Get Old

Life used to begin at 40 but if 40 is the new 20 do you have to wait an extra 20 years before claiming the youthful pleasures now enjoyed by the old? And how do you know when you're old nowadays? This guide may help.

(first published in Metro, UK)

Fig 1: check your person for the first signs of ageing: wrinkles, reading specs, The Radio Times.

Fig 2: Counter-symbols. Once thought of as old, if you own any of these, you are actually young: Roberts radio, wellies, tweed jacket, pipe, slippers. Extra youth points for leather elbow patches. Remember, 20 is the new 40.

Fig 3: Warning: if you own any of these you might think you're young but in fact you're old: leather jacket, motorbike*, new technology**. 60 is the new 30.

Fig 4: The final test: do policemen look younger? How about that David Cameron?

Fig 5a: You're old. Grow old gracefully. Stop combing over. Get an lay-z-boy. 35 is the new 70.

Fig 5b: You're old. Decide to do something about it.  You can start by not shouting at the telly. 50 is the new 50 (sorry).

*The current average age for UK bikers is 47 (this is some kind of govt statistic but I can't track down the source so it will have to remain an unreliable assertion).

** esp. Kindle

 

Five Minute Academy - How to Detox

Detox: vb – to rid the body of toxins through changes in diet; n – period of detoxing.

Fig 1: Identify foods you want to cut from your diet (clue: these will be all the ones you like). Replace them with foods you like a lot less.

Fig 2: Many detox plans are based around a liquid diet. NB this is not the same liquid diet you have been following over the holidays.

Fig 3: Make sure you have a clear mental and physical space to detox: this is a good excuse for getting rid of any house guests still hanging around after New Year.

Fig 4: Get into the the right frame of mind. Recordings of pan pipes or whale music will help with this – and will also help with Fig 3. Postpone normal activities: relax.

Fig 5: Brush skin with a dry brush. Apparently this helps the circulation and also gives you something to do when relaxing gets too boring. Invest in a special brush to do this. Do not use a hairbrush, toothbrush or floorbrush.

Fig 6: optional extras: removal of mercury fillings, hydrotherapy (aka showers), colonic irrigation...